One of my literary idols, THE NYMag, has totally let me down today. They are running this bogus story about some guy who supposedly noticed his snacks being eaten in the night and set up a surveillance camera to “catch” his girlfriend in the act of this. What follows is his discovery (GASP!) of a strange, crazed woman living in his apartment in a crawl space above his kitchen! This woman has extremely voluminous hair (Pantene?) and looks like she is wearing PJ’s and apparently has the stealth agility of a professional sidler because this dude supposedly never wakes up once while she is prowling around in the night (when, presumably, it is pitch black in the apartment, and since ya know, she supposedly doesn’t live there she wouldn’t have the foggiest idea where everything is).
Okay first of all, who is this fatass who wont let his girlfriend eat his snacks? Get real, buddy. I would happily share my Flavor Blasted Goldfish with my boyfriend any day of the week. That is love. Plus, even if I cared that much, if I suspected he was eating my snacks and not telling me (weird) I would probably say something like “Hey chubs, stop eating my g-fish or I will murder your pet” or something benign like that. I would probably not go to the trouble of purchasing infrared night vision camera equipment and installing it in my apartment, seemingly for the opportunity to humiliate my significant other for having no self control.
Most importantly, anyone who has ever lived in NYC will quickly learn a few inalienable truths: Taxi cab drivers are trained to drive in such a way that you will feel like your stomach is still on 1st ave when you have arrived on the West side highway; never say “Is that your gun digging into my hip or are you just happy to see me?” on the subway, because it will inevitably be the later, and … apartments are TINY! Who in god’s name in New York has an apartment that is so huge that there could be a possible HUMAN living inside of your apartment that you just would NEVER notice. Nuh uh. Not buyin’ what you’re sellin’ NY Mag. Although, maybe you should do an expose about pigeons who relieve themselves on people’s heads? Blow that shit wide open….
Holy moley! Anne Frank jokes aside.
I don’t hate on him because I have heard of people sleep eating and not knowing they were doing it. Who would think someone was living in their crawl space?! If she was pissing in his sink, makes me wonder where she was depositing the rest of her meals… ew.